The weight of the badge

Things I think about and flashbacks that I will never unsee, but you would never know..

I had to hold back the tears when I helplessly watched your 13 day old baby dying in the hospital, because I had to be strong for you. But what you didn’t know is when I walked out of that hospital the tears just rolled down my face.

I was devastated when I found your mom shot in the head and crying because she had you and your siblings to take care of.

I missed holidays, family functions, and vacations because I had to work.

I had nightmares about the 2 year old who shot himself with his parents gun because they were careless.

I really struggled with EVERY death I saw and to watch their grieving families was even harder.

I’m no longer comfortable out in public or around large crowds because with the things I've seen, I can’t trust anyone.

I’m scared for the world my child will grow up in because of all the things I’ve seen around me that I can’t unsee.

I've seen things you could never even imagine. You’d probably think I made most of it up.

Sometimes I didn’t like putting people in jail, but it was part of my job. Some people are really struggling out there.

My job affected everyone around me, especially my family.

I had my own problems, just like everyone else, but I always had to put my problems aside to make sure they were ok.

I put everything in my life aside to make sure I was there for you. Something that may have seemed petty to me was a crisis for you. My bad days had to be forgotten about briefly to take care of whatever you were going through.  The moment you dialed 9-1–1 was the moment you counted on me to fix whatever was going on in your life at that moment. I showed up with listening ears hoping I can help.

People really don’t understand what police officers go through. Most people just think we’re here to arrest people and do bad things, but there’s so much more. There’s so much we see that’s affects us mentally, and most of it can’t be unseen. We don’t get trained for this. Not many people can do this job, but there’s a select few that keep showing up every single day. I was always told, Once you become a cop, life will never be the same, and sadly, it’s the truth. You’re always worrying about what’s going on around you.

Everyday is a new adventure. You never know what you will face that day. And, most of all, you never know if you’ll be going back home. We put our lives on the line every single day we put on that uniform. We do this for complete strangers, for people who hate us, and for people who wish death on us, BUT WE STILL SHOW UP!